So, at church, they’re doing a four-part adult education class on The Church and the Definition of Marriage. My boyfriend and I are taking the class and the first one was last Sunday. One of the first things they did was to have people voluntarily explain why they were taking the class. Most people were there to talk about gay marriage and the church’s role in that, which is pretty neat, of course. But, I couldn’t help feeling like I was on another planet than many of the people there. Not because I am against gay marriage, mind you, but because I’m pretty much way off in the other direction. Frankly, if you believe in equality, than the question of gay marriage isn’t even a question. It’s a non-issue in my mind. No need to “discuss” it. I took forever to craft in my head what I would have said to explain why I was taking the class, that the introduction part was over and we moved on to the substantive parts. So, since I didn’t get to say it in the class, I’ll say it here instead.
I have a pretty postmodern view of marriage, as I imagine many people of my generation who are children of divorce might have. And because of other complications in my family history, my parents’ divorce was particularly traumatizing for my sisters and I. Mix in the fact that I grew up Catholic, with all the talk of annulments and excommunication (if an annulment is supposed to make it so the marriage never happened, what happens to the kids?), and you might begin to see why I don’t have a rosy view of marriage. Oh, and add in that I’m a feminist, so I hate “weddings” and all that ridiculousness that women are made to think they want. And, I believe in the right of people to be single and happy…and how selfish and such an imposition on people that weddings are (um…if I have to spend thousands of dollars on your wedding and I never get married, how is that fair? and don’t even get me started on the politics of gets invited and who doesn’t). And, if gay people aren’t allowed to get married, how is that fair (solidarity!)? So, as one can imagine, I was for a long time pretty adamantly anti-marriage.
But, my radicalism has softened with time. I started meeting people who were married who weren’t selfish, who had lives outside their marriage, who actually believed they would be with this person forever, who respected people who were single. I began to understand the gay marriage argument and the legal rights and financial pitfalls of not having your relationship acknowledged by the government. I met someone who I could actually envision wanting to spend the rest of my life with, who also had disdain for the pomp and circumstance of weddings. And, frankly, discovered a religious world outside of Catholicism.
At the recommendation of my boyfriend, I read C.S. Lewis’ The Four Loves. And though I had much to disagree with on his views of homosexuality, his other ideas about marriage, and Christian marriage in particular, were new and intriguing to me. So, while I think the church has absolutely no business interfering with the legal definition of marriage, I can see the significance of the idea of Christian marriage and the connection with commitment to God. And it’s that type of marriage that I’m curious to learn more about. What exactly does it mean for your earthly marriage to another person to reflect a marriage to God? And how can that add value to the a legal/secular marriage?
ohthatswhatitsays 